Ok in these few months
while I was trimming my toenails, picking my nose, fixing some minor damage
that recent flood bestowed to my neck of woods (but mainly picking my nose) I
thought about writing something about Michel Bay and “The Bayboys” (my pet name
for people from Platinum Dunes). But there was new Turtles movie looming on
horizon and I knew there will be long line of critics, bloggers, rageholics and
domesticated internet users waiting to take turn on good old spanking paddle
and share their love on Bays virtual buttocks. So I (correctly I might add)
reckoned there was nothing of note I had to bring for that particular party and
smartest thing to do would be to grab some snacks and beer pull up my comfiest
chair and just enjoy the show. I did just that and I have to say, you ladies
and gents of the web know how to throw good old shindig, like in olden times
when lousy artist were escorted from the stage with the help of rotten food and
broken bottles, my hat goes down to you (or it would if I ever decided to wear one),
even to those few gentle souls that from sidelines urged you not to aim for the
face since even lousy artist need to make a living. Unfortunately outside the
web in filthy, filthy real world said artists raked millions and millions of
dollars just like they always do and will continue doing until finally their
core audience wise the fuck up and make one of their atrocities bomb so hard
that sheer financial loss will serve like a cautionary tale for decades to
come. But that of course is just the wishful thinking. Well why am I now
crawling from under my rock and hoping on this virtual soapbox?
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(2 movies)
The Amityville Horror
The Hitcher
Friday the 13th
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Transformers (4 movies)
Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles
What
each of these movies has in common is that every one of them is one of
cherished memories from my childhood and second one is that each and every one
of them was, to greater or lesser degree, skullfucked by Bay and the company.
I’m not gonna pretend that all these movies in its original form were timeless
classics but all of them had influence in the genre they inhabited. So my ...
dissatisfaction is not something that just popped up one morning while I was
opening my beer and noticed it was piss warm, it took eleven movies stretched
over 7 franchises for me to actually get angry. I’m not even angry because they
handling source material with all dignity somebody would give to a stale shit
that accidentally stuck to his shoe. I’m angry because it’s working for them; Every time “The Bayboys” flop, Big Daddy Michael is there to wipe their tears
with some of that sweet,sweet Transformers cash, so they will just keep on keeping on.After all there is no
shortage of 80’s movies and series that somebody, somewhere find dear to the
heart and marketable just enough for somebody else to fling few hundred
millions Bays way, no need for original fucking thought at all. Smooth sailing
into eternity. I see in my crystal balls Michael Bay discarding shriveled body
of Optimus Prime and making franchise out of He-man And The Masters Of The Universe
while Platinum Dunes conjure reboot of Halloween franchise (I mean if Spidermen
can be rebooted two times (going on three) in a decade why Michael Myers couldn’t
do the same).
